Mea Umbra


People will often confuse my kindness for weakness, and take my warm interest in them for granted. Occasionally, after my patience has blistered into malcontent, I’ll eviscerate them with an unapologetic chill.

I’ve always found that respect is reaped out of distance and apathy–a rebalancing of the scales that reminds them that my presence in their life is indeed a gift.

The Coy Dance in the Garden of Sin

After a certain length of time without hearing from her, I was convinced she had opted for the fish option, so I set out to find the answer.

Yes, I know. Let Me explain.

The young girls in that town were given the choice to remain terrestrial, or aquatic. If they chose the latter, there were secret methods the elders employed to bludgeon them into coy fish. No, not coi fish, coy fish. After metamorphosis, the eagerest of fishlings were hired by local botanical gardens to lure lonely men during the slow season–artfully exploiting their primordial inclinations toward conquest.

Personally, I chose not to frequent those places. As a dog returns to its vomit, so fools repeat their folly, and I had learned from My past experiences. Besides, there always seemed to be a malodorous current of bodily secretion and sin, and I had sensitive skin, so I would watch from afar. I have to admit though, it was fascinating to see how the fishlings and men would interact.

She understood that morality were oscillations–echos that rattled from facade to facade within the gothic cathedral of Self, and sometimes, I would rest nearby to be her gargoyle.

The Divine Right of the Creep Kings

Think what you will, but We are aristocrats sitting on your thrones. You see, We've conquered the inner maelstrom, and quelled the discriminating gaze that never blinks. Our unapologetic compulsions open doors, of which we infiltrate, without shame, and therein lie Our virtue. Everyone else? Merely plebs, mucking about in their hypocrisy and self-consciousness.

I'd rather be a creep king living in exile, than a groveling peasant living the rest of their days under the unbending rule of social politeness.

The Dancing Monkey Who Was No Dancing Monkey

"I wanna dance," she texted.

"Then dance," I fired back.

It had been over a month since we last talked, and I could smell the stench of her selfish intentions from across town.

"No silly, I mean I want to go out dancing–with you. Lol." 

"You can do that from where you're at–I do, every night as a matter of fact, while everyone sleeps." I responded.

"Lol. Yeah. You're a good dancer too," she replied.

Her blatant lie was enough to send Me over the edge–I had had enough. It was clear what she was doing. Who did she think I was? Her little dancing Monkey? Here to jig and crash My symbols together to entertain her while her insatiable lesbian lover was out fishing for her next fisting?

My time is valuable, and I have no interest wasting it on SIMP collectors looking to fluff up their scraggly self-worth.

I proceeded to melodramatically initiate a cruel argument, of which I'll omit here–there's children present.

I didn't care that she blocked My number. What they can never understand is that I don't need them–I can be entirely content alone. But they, they're a different beast altogether: validation mosquitos who hover over exposed ears, seeking and hunting, hunting and seeking for sleeping victims, and if you're careless, they'll suck the lifeblood out of you.

Fuck that. I'll dance by Myself. 

The Fish from the Tinder Cesspool Taste Like Stinking Excrement

An excerpt from a recent Tinder exchange:

I would encourage you to reread my actual words, and distance yourself emotionally from the presuppositions you have toward me. This cookie cutter narrative of what you think I'm all about is not only inaccurate, it illustrates your lack of creativity.

I never said I'm looking for sexual favors. On the contrary, from our first exchange I made it clear I have no real expectations from anyone...except my abounding curiosity into their psyche.

I'm sorry if you're getting upset Amber, but you're reacting rather than digesting. Nothing in life is ever as it seems. Sadly, as humans we have the flawed tendency to over-simplify that which is difficult to decipher. Rather than exert mental effort and struggle with the nuanced complexities that interlaces any given situation or individual, people seek reprieve from those psychological knots.

And your assumption that I've been abused as a child, well, that's just a generic hypothesis that unimaginative types use to conveniently define and articulate those whose behavior and actions are nebulous and irregular.

I don't blame you though. Our society brainwashes us to believe in these overarching labels/categories/definitions. God forbid people like me delve into the abyss, and gleefully play in its sandbox.

Reflecting on My Mortality

On this day last year, I coughed up some blood while shampooing my head in the shower. I remember chuckling to myself as I remembered Sweet Brown's timeless lines, "...I got BRONCHITIS. Ain't nobody got time for that!"

I wasn't too concerned on the drive to the ER–I even remember being mildly annoyed at the inconvenience of having to go to a county hospital on a weekend night and wait among the cockroach people, a result of my shitty insurance, and poverty of my own. I figured I had acquired bronchitis or pneumonia over the past few months, after all, I usually washed my darkroom prints outside following my all-night printing sessions, sometimes in the rain.

"Fuck, I knew I should've worn a jacket more often," I grumbled to myself.

To my surprise, I didn't have to wait too long, and at 9:19 pm an ER nurse called my name and escorted me inside to be assessed (apparently breathing problems are taken serious, so if you ever want to game the system and be seen ahead of everybody else at the ER, just tell them you can't breathe).

At 5:23 am, the following morning, I walked out of there, not with bronchitis or pneumonia, but with cancer. In the following days to come I would return to that building, be placed in the ICU as the aggressive tumor that housed my chest cavity threatened to send me into cardiac arrest, and started emergency chemotherapy.

A year later, and I'm grateful to say I'm alive, living with a dead tumor spooning my heart and lungs, but alive nonetheless. Thank you to all the Filipino nurses, online strangers who sent me words of encouragement on here, and IRL friends who brought me food during my week-long chemo sessions, I appreciate you all.

Origins: The Epistemology of DragnMastr13

And in those early years I was met with much derision. My ideas were spat on, and My appearance mocked by the popular majority, or "the head lice" as I preferred to call them. I was a vagabond in their hearts, and in that sparsely-imaginationed town, they were weary of vagabonds.

I had never particularly worried about superficial things like My blameless poverty, erratic dance technique, or acne-prone skin, but the rabid women and their court of white knights made sure that their grievances with Me were internalized–and so it came to pass that I developed a vitamin D deficiency from My aversion to the outside world, but nothing a prescription couldn't handle.

Piece by piece I started assembling a little nest for Myself, which later would become the current incarnation of My "shadow lair"–a working studio/darkroom where I could lose Myself in the limitless depths of My imagination–a space where I could nurture My budding photography obsession. Books too became My escape–dead thinkers who provided much-needed companionship, guidance, and warmth during those formative years. Staying in became something I looked forward to, instead of something I self-pitied over.

But when the day came, it was as clear as the void of light reflected from My raw obsidian collection–it was time to emerge out of the wilderness, and make My personal legend known to the world. I no longer dreaded the head lice people–I saw their opinions of Me for what they were–a minor nuisance, but nothing of consequence.

And thus DragnMastr13 was conceived.


Wrong Number, Right Victim

Last night I received a wrong-numbered phone call.

Not allowing this opportunity go to waste, perhaps against My better judgment, I engaged in an impromptu phone sex seduction.

Five hours later, as daybreak eased itself into the early morning, I realized that I had been the victim of orgasm vampirism.

After the 11th ejaculation, I turned My nightstand light on, looked down, and witnessed how raw and inflamed My turtleneck flesh was.

I hurriedly ended the marathonian call, something that was a lot easier said than done, as she denied My attempts to flee from her psychological clutch.

Let this be a lesson to you who are weak of will: there are those among us who feed from our vices.

Thus spoke, The DragnMastr. 

A Twilight Recommendation From the Sage in the Bark

I made it to Sopherocles by dusk, and found the sage in the bark awaiting My arrival.

I wanted to seek her advice on how to become a killing tree after I died. Preferably, I would specialize in unsuspected vengeance.

Within My foliage would be an armory laden with timbered bayonets–camouflaged and ready to gash the eye sockets of defilers of dreams and butchers of innocence–human tumors of which I have no remorse surgically incising from the face of this density.

She looked at Me with her infinite gaze, and whispered into My left ear, "Maybe you should be a dandelion instead."

The Irrevocable Rapture of a Pious, Yet Curious Virginess

Unabashedly, over the spell of a gaping week, her initial fascination had transmuted into chronic and ineradicable obsession.

Ensconced with a feigned innocence, and in hostile opposition to her moral upbringing, she digitally revealed herself to Me, exposing abounding carnal pleasures that I looked to ravage and defile with predatory intent. It was only a matter of time now before I would be navigating her smooth, caramel fleshscape with My wanderlust tongue.

The destination? A pink oasis that promised to satisfy, almost as much as the satiating flavor of virginal conquest–a sweet and selfish aftertaste that indwells the palate of My carnivorous raptures.